Rhondda Records PROBLEM PAGE

Image: The Heading new

Hello All You Rhondda Records Fans...

This Is Our Unique Problem Page....

Please Read On!

With Doctor Ca ca.

Dear Doctor Ca ca,
Is this letter page
still open? Are you ok?
My friends and I still worry about you.
Yours,
Ian Innocent

Dear Ian,
P*ss off.
best wishes,
Dr Ca ca.

Dear Doctor Ca ca,
I'm very concerned
that you haven't answered my last letter.
Deardrie Mabel Sping.

Dear Dear Deardrie,
I'm so glad; hope your clinically depressed.
Doc Ca ca,
the people's friend

Dear Doctor Ca ca
I'm new to this letter page
and wonder how long it takes for a reply.
Sincerely,
Charles Bough.

Dear Charles,
A long time.
A very long time... a very very
very very long long long time.
Very Sincerely,
Sh. F. Ca ca

Dear Doctor Ca ca,
What do elephants do in Spring?
Yours,
Gerald A. Nuss,

Dear Gerald,
The same as they do
in Summer; the same as they do in Autumn;
the same thing as they do in Winter...
doo doo.
Yours Fratanally,
"Doc" Ca ca

Dear Doctor Ca ca,
Is the world going to end soon?
Arnold Molecule

Dear Arnold,
It depends what you mean.
Soon is such a strange word.
I mean, it means "in a short while"
but what do we mean by in.
Or short. Or while?
What on earth is a while?
And my answer might help
bring about the very thing
we all wonder about right now.
Somehow we've managed to get
in the middle of a media war
and a possible real one where
the human species could regress
to the point of extinction.
Does the tree or the forest
hear just silence when the
last human falls down?
So I'm bound to say "no",
the world is not soon ending
- it just feels as if it might -
and that aint fair.
(Must stop list'nin' to Merle
Haggard songs.)
Doctor Okie Ca ca

Dear Doctor Ca ca,
I want to have
sex so much
but my girlfriend is dying.
I've tried for years to overcome
this, by self abuse and if I stop
I feel spiritually better but
begin to be tempted by women.
I want a woman's lips and her
throat and her buttocks and
all those gorgeous sounds
tastes touches feelings
releases oh God I want a
woman so much...
How can I stop?
Yours...
F. U. Sea-kay

Dear F.U.,
It really does look
as if you're unable to cope with
this situation, yet gain some sort
of relief by writing to me in this way.
Why don't you take up writing full time
to Problem Pages? That way you can talk
openly about how you'd like to slide
yourself into blissful union without
hurting anyone. My Goodness! Why am
I such a genius?

Dr I really do want a woman Ca ca.

Anwyl Dr Ca ca,
Je suis yn Gymraeg speaker. Cun vous sprechen Gymraeg?
R. Ffrawed.

Anwyl Randy,
Urth gorse !
Ac maen tongio mynd y tan foo fooio,
gan noswaith yn y gegin braf.
Dr "d'wyn dysgu cwmraeg" Ca ca

Dear Father,
I'm just writing to
see if you've changed and can now
feel for the rest of humanity a little.
Your last remaining child,
Maureen Ca ca.

Dear Maureen,
I love other people very much.
It's just those who hate me,
or find me unloving, or dislike
what they see as unwarranted
imperfections, I can't stand.
Or people who go rambling on
or repeat certain phrases,
I can't stand. I've tried, but
find it's best to do no harm.
So please stop bothering me.
Doctor S. F. Ca ca
(the "Family Friend")

Dear Doc' Ca ca,
My partner says she loves me
but she and her friends and seemingly her
relatives (except one) either disapprove
or try to keep me from her, and I believe
she cares for herself now and she doesn't
care to be here with me and I'm so lonely.
It's been nearly three years since she
lived and loved and stood with me...
and now I barely see her at all.
What on earth am I to do? It all makes
me so terribly unhappy.
Strictly Anonymous.

Dear Ray,
Tell her how you feel...
and if she stays away for longer
than a day or two or three or four
or more - THAT's your answer !
You great steaming thicko !!!
"Doc" Ca ca

Dear Doctor,
Please could you explain how
to mend a broken heart?
Mr Grave.

Dear G,
Pray to the divine spark in you
which informs the whole Universe.
Listen to the messages of love.
Failing that, I find a good blow-out
and hitting a small pensioner
usually does the trick!
Doctor Ca ca,

Dear Doctor Ca ca,
Why are my teeth turning green?
Yours,
Gordon Porden

Dear Gordon,
What a lovely colour !
You should feel privileged and full of joy
- most people's teeth turn yellow, grey, or brown.
But green! You're truly privileged.
Sincerely,
Shady Ca ca.

Dr Ca ca,
Since investing in a tube
of your Ca ca toothpaste, my molars have gone
fluorescent green. A refund please,
or SOMEONE is due a filling.
Lord Perfect

No.
Yours Sincerely,
Doc' Ca ca

Dr. Ca ca,
I live for the day
you come for me.
Hope the cheque is enough.
Jenny Masher.

Dear Ms Masher,
You and your cheque
are perfect in every way !
Stretch
Stretch
Stretch
Stretch...
Dr look into my eyes Ca ca

Dear Doc,
Up to your old tricks, eh...
selling fake language courses,
dodgy goods and ripping off women.
I'm WATCHING you, you old twister !
Sincerely,
Sligo Crepe.

Dear Mr Crepe,
I'm sure we can come to some arrangement.
Meet me out the back of the abattoir at midnight.
Dr' Ca ca .

Dear Doctor Ca ca,
Whitchurch misses you...
think of all those nutters on a mixed sex ward
and be honest - admit it - you BELONG there!
Mr Paul Elephant-Legges, consultant.

Dear Paulsy,
You're the one who's there, mate -
I'm genuinely not all there.
You parasitic peeper !
Dr Ca ca, out patient.

Dear Doctor Ca ca,
where do squirrels hide their nuts?
Anne Oyed of the Para.

Dear Shirley,
why are you mentioning nuts?
Are you takin' the p?
Doctor (monkey gland) Ca ca.

Dear Doctor Ca ca,
THAT wasn't a SERIOUS letter!
Give us a serious one, please,
please, please, please!
Aaaaw... PLEASE let us
have a serious letter!!!
Please please please please please
please PLEASE please PLEASE PLEASE
PLEASE?
aAAW.... GO ON....please?!
PLEA --- EA -- SE !!!!!!!
Sincerely, Rudolph Floode-Barrier.

Dear Rudie,
Soon. Or not. Maybe.
Oh, I don't bloody care. Yes.
Ops, sorry - I meant no.
Sincerely,
Sh. F. Ca ca

Dear Doctor,
It's taken you five months to answer my letter.
Not only is your toothpaste VERY suspect,
but your Problem Page is still a vile,
mouldering, decadent, sickly, ill-tempered,
pile of putrescent filth!
Yours sincerely,
Gerbil Weed-Agenne.

Dear Gerbil,
Keep smiling.
(It'll cut down on street lighting in your slum.)
I Thenk you...
Doc Ca ca
P.S.
Don't forget to brush and floss regularly
between the piles of putrescent sickening
green fluorescent filth.